Wisdom Notes on Spirituality

The Conversion Experience

Abreactions of Narcissism and Jealousy

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In this article I briefly explore two ways of attaining fast change in some of one’s significant beliefs. A well-known way to achieve radical changes is to have an experience of “conversion”. The mystique and religious glamour surrounding this change of identity blurs what really happens to oneself. My understanding of the process of abreaction enabled me to decipher the ways in which conversion occurs. My full analysis of conversion is contained in my book The Nature of Emotion [¹].

Conversion is not solely a religious phenomenon. A secular version also occurs. This gives two forms of conversion: one form is usually religious whilst the other one focuses on ideals and so can have either a religious or a secular format. I have experienced both forms. What happens is that some aspects of the person’s system of beliefs undergo radical change; in one of the sequences the change is rapid, and in the other one it is slower.

Conversion is the result of a sequence of particular emotions. There are two forms of conversion and so there are two sequences that produce it. However, the conversions only occur when the sequences are intense. When the sequences occur at lower intensities, other effects are produced. These sequences are similar in operation to the two basic sequences of abreaction, those of guilt and pride. In fact, most of the emotions involved are the same in all these sequences. The two conversion sequences highlight the factors of jealousy and narcissism, and so I also call these sequences by the more general names of the abreactions of jealousy and narcissism. Whilst the two basic abreactions of guilt and pride can be everyday occurrences, the abreactions of narcissism and jealousy are usually infrequent [²].

The conversion experience is an introductory immersion into the spiritual life and so it is not the same as becoming enlightened, which is a more advanced experience. The two conversion processes represent the two abreactions of guilt and pride taken in the reverse order.

First, I compare the abreaction of guilt to the abreaction of narcissism. Then I compare the abreaction of pride to the abreaction of jealousy. For convenience I repeat the factors of the four principal emotions involved.

Guilt = self-pity + self-hate.
Pride = vanity + hatred of other people.
Narcissism = love + vanity.
Jealousy = love + self-pity.

Comparing the Abreactions of Guilt and Narcissism

The abreaction of narcissism is similar to the abreaction of guilt. Both of them have their dramatic moment that starts them off. The abreaction of guilt begins with catharsis and ends in resentment. The sequence is: narcissism leads to jealousy, and then jealousy leads to guilt, and then guilt leads to resentment.

The abreaction of narcissism is the reverse of the abreaction of guilt, and begins with an initial mood of guilt. The sequence starts with the person feeling a sense of inadequacy within his character and so he is subconsciously hating himself. The sequence is: guilt leads to jealousy, which then leads to narcissism, which then leads to idealism. 

So we have:
Guilt (= self-pity + self-hate) leads to jealousy (= self-pity + love).
Then
Jealousy (= love + self-pity) leads to narcissism (= love + vanity).

When the stage of narcissism is reached, some form of noble aspiration is generated. When this abreaction is intense enough to cause conversion, then some form of religious, ethical, political, or spiritual idealism is the final product.

When I was 19, in my first year at college I read The End of Empire by John Strachey. The book detailed the economic consequences of substituting jute production for the traditional food crops in eastern India (now Bangladesh) in the 19th century. The effect of reducing local food production caused a famine in the area and resulted in the deaths of a significant number of the local population. My response to this tragedy was a deep upsurge of compassion. Before I went to college, my political sympathies had been right-wing, but with the induction of compassion they disappeared overnight. My political beliefs changed quickly to left-wing ones.

I call this abreaction impersonal conversion, because the person embraces an ideal or an abstract conception; the ideal can be a religious one or a secular one. It is a dramatic event which highlights subconscious core beliefs and needs that have been buried by materialism. We can see such dramatic events in history. Perhaps the most famous one is that of St. Paul. On the road to Damascus he was converted to a spiritual idealism. He transformed the personal image of Jesus the teacher into an idealised abstract conception of Christ the saviour – this conception reflected his spiritual needs and aspirations. In my view, this form of conversion is a spiritual rite of passage and provided the experiential basis of the ancient mystery religions, such as the Eleusinian mysteries. The rite makes the person face his inner psychological difficulties and limitations, and ends when the initiate very quickly embraces an ideal which resolves those difficulties.

The abreaction of narcissism is a more familiar and widespread experience when its intensity is much less – then it produces the admiration of the heroic, and helps to stimulate romanticism. The person admires heroes who overcame (or succumbed to) the problems that the hero was facing. The person may be overwhelmed by tears of admiration for the exploits of the glorious hero, tears for the way that the hero has struggled to victory or defeat.

Comparing the Abreactions of Pride and Jealousy

The abreaction of jealousy is similar to the abreaction of pride. Both of them begin in a low-key fashion. The abreaction of pride begins with sorrow or sadness, and ends in bitterness. The sequence is: jealousy leads to narcissism, and then narcissism leads to pride, and then pride leads to bitterness.

The abreaction of jealousy is the reverse of the abreaction of pride. It begins with a mood of pride, and the person may be hating society or hating the world in general. He feels a sense of degradation over the way that he has been treated in life. The sequence is: pride leads to narcissism; then narcissism leads to jealousy; then jealousy leads to blind faith.

So we have:
Pride (= vanity + hate) leads to narcissism (= vanity + love).
Then
Narcissism (= love + vanity) leads to jealousy (= love + self-pity).

When the stage of jealousy is reached, some form of social attachment is stimulated. Usually the attachment is to a role model or to a teacher or to a group. When this abreaction is intense enough to cause conversion then the final product is blind faith in a teacher or a group.

When I experienced this process, it generated blind faith in two English yoga teachers, Jack Bolton and John Moore. This faith lasted about six years, and then I became dis-illusioned. I still admired the two teachers, but I changed my relationship from follower to friend.

I call this abreaction personal conversion, because the person bonds to a teacher. The bond occurs despite any deficiencies in the teacher or the group, and so it is a limited form of faith. I consider that it is the common way of inducting a person into a religious view of life. The person bonds to another person (the teacher), and the ideals or beliefs espoused by the teacher are a secondary issue.

When the emotional response is not so intense, this abreaction helps to produce imprinting [³]. Imprinting is the first stage of bonding and begins the infant’s attachment to the parents. However, imprinting is not restricted to infants: even an adult is vulnerable to it when his mood is jealousy (in self-pity mode). For example, the obsession of many teenagers with rock idols and media stars is often a product of the imprinting process. On a negative note, suppose that a man is obsessed with stalking a certain kind of woman: the first time he followed a woman was most likely due to an abreaction of jealousy.

Comparing the Two Forms of Conversion

Impersonal conversion occurs through a dramatic switch of consciousness and produces high-profile drama, just like the abreaction of guilt. For comparison, the start of personal conversion is low-key, similar to the abreaction of pride. In fact, personal conversion is not necessarily noticed: it may be a gradual change and only achieve prominence when the disciple finally recognises his/her bond with the teacher.

How permanent are the changes that the person experiences?  My impersonal conversion to compassion has stayed with me all my life, despite the ups and downs that I have gone through. This is because such changes affect my individual values based on narcissism and so are independent of the variable social factors affecting me. My personal conversion to my yoga teachers lasted for six years and then collapsed when I became dis-illusioned with one of the teachers. My conversion could not withstand a significant change in my social outlook, which centres around my social values based on jealousy.

Whichever form of conversion is experienced, the conversion represents a beginning of spirituality, not its end, since it has its limitations. The limitations are due to the psychological limitations of the person. The most significant fact seems to be that the person becomes an optimist, perhaps for the first time in ages. His optimism ensures that he can embrace different beliefs about reality, beliefs which replace his pessimism and so improve the quality of his life. Because of the optimism, he becomes enthusiastic about life and seems to have much more energy than he used to have. The enthusiasm depends on the optimism. If he subsequently becomes dis-illusioned, so that he returns to being a pessimist, his enthusiasm and abundant energy will quickly evaporate.

The conversion process does not bring any new beliefs about reality with it; it only activates existing beliefs that the person has but which he has not previously valued. This is demonstrated by an issue such as reincarnation. The non-believer who is converted to Christianity does not usually accept the idea of reincarnation, since it is not part of the existing teachings of his church.

Overall, what usually seems to occur from conversion is that some factors of one’s character are improved, whilst other factors still remain inadequate. This is what I learned from my conversions. For example, many religious converts exhibit a great amount of hatred towards non-believers or to rival religions – this hatred is not a mark of spirituality.

Spirituality is never given to anyone; the person has to grow into it. The purpose of conversion is to inspire the person to move beyond his current limitations into a wider and nobler practice of life.

[¹]. My book The Nature of Emotion is on the Home page, and conversion is described in the article Abreaction 6.  [1]

[²]. Guilt, pride, narcissism and jealousy are emotions. I have three articles on Emotion on the Home page.
In addition, I have six articles on Abreaction on the Home page. [2]

[³]. I have three articles on the bonding process in my book Living in Times of Change. The first article is Overview of Bonding. [3]

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